


(aka Lobsters are People Too)

by onetoomanycats, SoloChaos



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Lobsters, Merpeople, sad sexy violin solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 13:24:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1133168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onetoomanycats/pseuds/onetoomanycats, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloChaos/pseuds/SoloChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Which Sherlock is Sexy, John is Gay, Moriarty is a Mermaid, Mycroft is a BAMF, Irene Adler is Naked, Mary is a Hero, Lestrade is Helpless (and also King Neptune,) and Molly Drives a DeLorean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(aka Lobsters are People Too)

**Author's Note:**

> My friend and I started texting. I turned our texts into this fic.
> 
> ...yeah.

 

There is a sad violin solo playing.

Sherlock Holmes is playing that sad solo.

Which makes it sexy, because everything Sherlock Holmes does is sexy.

There is a sad, sexy violin solo playing.

Mrs. Hudson, the landlady, dabs her eyes. John, Sherlock's roommate, pretends he doesn't have an enormous amount of lust for the gorgeous man that is Sherlock Holmes.

Discovering that they have no milk, John heads to the store to buy some. He happens upon a tank of lobsters and decides to free them.

"LOBSTERS ARE PEOPLE TOO," he exclaims as he releases them into the Thames. John is overcome with emotion and begins to dab his eyes with a tissue. The lobsters try to dab their eyes with tissues as well, but discover that they have no tear ducts. Disheartened, the lobsters swim away, upset because they cannot cry during Sherlock's sad, sexy solo.

Suddenly, Sherlock's sad, sexy solo stops.

The whole city of London is thrust into despair, crying because the sad, sexy solo is over.

Sherlock is all "what." He then swims deep into the Thames, saddened by his lack of tear ducts.

John becomes very depressed because Sherlock isn't a merman.

Because John is a quick thinker, he quickly saws off his legs and sews fishes onto them so he can be a merman and show Sherlock the joyousness of being semi-aquatic.

Sherlock is all "mermen are pretty cool" and starts making out with John. Sherlock then remembers that he still isn't a merman and starts drowning.

Sexily drowning.

John then remembers that sewing fish onto one's legs does not make one a merman and starts unsexily drowning because he is not Sherlock Holmes. Which is rather unfortunate because the world needs more Sherlock Holmes's. And the crime rate would be lower. Except then there would be more stuck up people. BUT THAT IS THE PRICE ONE PAYS TO OOGLE SHERLOCK FREAKING HOLMES.

Anyways.

A naked Irene Adler appears and fishes Sherlock and John out of the water. Even though they aren't fish.

Moriarty turns into a mermaid and is all "haha suckas."

Sherlock becomes a pirate like he's always desired and sets out to sail the seven seas and catch Moriarty.

Mycroft Holmes appears, riding a magical treadmill through the sky like the bad-ass-motha-fucka he is, and scoops Moriarty up with a pearl-encrusted fishing net.

Sherlock is all "hmmph" and proceeds to take the credit so he's sexy to John, who apparently likes it when Sherlock is a snobbish dick.

Mycroft is jealous and accidentally drops Moriarty onto a naked Irene Adler. 

A naked Irene Adler proceeds to beat the heck out of Moriarty because it needed to happen. Yeah.

Moriarty desperately calls for Neptune, but it turns out that Neptune is actually Lestrade. Neptune/Lestrade is helpless as usual and calls Sherlock.

Sherlock swims away from John to help Lestrade. John begins to drown again, and Mary swoops in on her WWII fighter jet and saves him.

John is all "my hero!" because he's sort of easily impressed.

Mary is all "oh, just my duty" as Sherlock accidentally frees Moriarty from Mycroft's net.

John is extremely turned off by Sherlock's mishap.

Moriarty is extremely turned on by Sherlock's mishap.

John is suddenly kidnapped by a naked Irene Adler, but the world is kind of preoccupied and doesn't notice.

Mycroft is aboard Sherlock's pirate ship and sneakily eating an entire wedding cake that he stuffed in his sweatsuit pocket. Sherlock appears and is all "no don't eat that cake." He summons Molly, who drives in on a DeLorean and confiscates the cake for totally legitimate autopsical reasons.

The whole world suddenly becomes extraordinarily disturbed by the lack of blog updates.

John remembers that he must update his blog, and he bites a naked Irene Adler on the left boob until she takes him home.

He arrives at 221 Baker Street and Sherlock is all "where were you i've been telling you to get my phone"

Then John's acid trip ends.

Sherlock is all "what."


End file.
